Session Three: Eve at Originelle
INT. “ORIGINELLE” – A CAFE WITH THEOLOGICAL LIGHTING AND ZERO IRONY
Eve sits at a velvet booth covered in throw pillows that say “#blessed” in Hebrew, Aramaic, and wingdings. Her voice is like a scented candle that thinks it’s empowering women by smelling like vanilla ego.
[Therapist note: Location chosen by client “for the vibes.” Said actual offices “remind her of snake energy.” Client wearing three rings, two were gifted, one was self-proposed. Orders water with collagen. Thinks it’s clear wine.]
Okay, but like, technically, it wasn’t even an apple. People say that all the time. Like—“Eve and the apple!” But do they actually know what fruit it was? No. So like, it’s giving misinformation.
Also, Adam was just… there. You know? Like he was sweet or whatever but, like, not leadership material? He never took initiative. I was literally created second and still had to plan everything. The fruit. The conversation. The vibe shift of humanity.
[Therapist note: refers to The Fall as “a vibe shift.” May believe Eden was a resort spa. Possibly unclear on definition of “curse.”]
And the snake? He was just, like, really convincing. Smooth. Confident. He said I was “divine energy with bite.” That’s what my first tattoo says, actually. Right above the Steve Jobs tribute.
At first I thought that little bitten apple logo was like, super rude. I was like, “Ugh, Steve, why are you subtweeting my trauma?” But then someone said it was, like, female empowerment? And I was like, “Say less.”
Got it inked with some vines. Very Genesis-core.
[Therapist note: unaware Genesis is a text. Thinks it’s a perfume line from Paris.]
I just feel like people don’t give me credit. Like, everyone’s mad about the sin thing? But nobody talks about how I INVENTED curiosity. I INVENTED skincare. I INVENTED choices. Without me, Adam would still be naming frogs and pretending it’s a hobby.
And girl math? Don’t even start. I literally gave birth in a cave with zero epidural and no Doordash. If I see a fig leaf wrap dress on sale for 40% off, that’s basically reparations.
[Therapist note: has used “literally” inaccurately six times. Currently writing “empowerment” in a notebook she keeps upside down.]
And people are like “Eve cursed us all!” But who gave humanity cheekbones? Who pioneered the “walk of shame” across millennia?
I did.
You’re welcome.
[She sips her drink. Pauses. A faint existential panic flickers. Then vanishes behind lash extensions.]
Anyway, I don’t regret anything. Except maybe dating Cain’s dad.
That man could NOT communicate.